and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
