I'd wear matching sweaters with you
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
