Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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