went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
