is your mom at the bar?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I want her autograph on my taint
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
