She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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