I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
