Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
