My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
