shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
