Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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