We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
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I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
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how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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