Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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