it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
