my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
