Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
