When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
