My liver just broke up with me...
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
