Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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