i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
