You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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