Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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