i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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