Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
