I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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