I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
