I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
did i walk over a car last night?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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