I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
