I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
