i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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