I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
