You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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