you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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