Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
