walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
