I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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