Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
