You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
