someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
