you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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