I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
