after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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