Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.