My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
