did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
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i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
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The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
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