your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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