When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Randomize
