I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
