So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
