This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
