I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
