i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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