It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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