Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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