You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
