Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
