Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
