Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Never joke about your clitoris.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
