Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
