My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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