Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
