happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
