i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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